If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
