If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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