Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
