My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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