I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
