i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
