She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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