why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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