I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
