Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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