I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
