Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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