Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
