He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
