How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
