you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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