last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
