I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
one might say we're banned from that church
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
