does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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