I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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