its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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