I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
