so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
