I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
where are you?
Hypothermia
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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