What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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