it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
