Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
