What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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