i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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