The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
