there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
