T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
