I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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