u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
