i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
