just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
