you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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