Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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