i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
