Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
