i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
