Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
