listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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