i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
