Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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