the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
