She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Found your dick twin last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I die, sorry about rent.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize