i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
