i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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