I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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