Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
