you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
