Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
