i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
