Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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