cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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