apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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