there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
