I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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