this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
