Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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