forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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