Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
